My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
