walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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