Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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