Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
