I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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