how can u be prego again
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
