Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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