Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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