party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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