New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize