I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
