Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
