um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize