Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
