the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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