I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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