i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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