sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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