so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
