Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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