I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Did I show you my penis last night?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
