If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he fucked my hip out of place.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
