I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
