My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You smell like stripper and shame
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
