Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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