i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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