She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
