Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
