I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
