where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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