My cat gives me a boner
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
