You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
