I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
