Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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