He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
