I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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