You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she looked like the before picture.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
