Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
