I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
