I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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