Sry I called you an 8
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
