im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
