Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
