Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
