She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Watching her eat just hurts me
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
