You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
