We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
These tits shall not be calmed
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
