So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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