He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
