I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
