Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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