remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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