just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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