Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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