no, he came in my armpit
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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