Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
