Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
