don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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