No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize