I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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